Is This Normal? A Self-Check Guide for Couples Moving Abroad
Photo by Jack Sparrow | Pexels
Is this just a phase, or should we be worried?
How do you know if it’s just relocation stress — or something deeper in your relationship that needs attention?
When couples move abroad, they expect challenges.
You’re told to brace for culture shock, time zone fatigue, logistical overload, language barriers, and more.
But what about the slow drift between partners? The tension that builds without a clear cause? The distance that doesn’t feel like a crisis — just like a quiet growing apart?
It’s a common question I hear:
How do we know if this is "just a phase" — or there are signs that some things are just not working anymore and we should see someone?
This post is for the moments that don’t feel dramatic, but don’t feel right either.
We’ll explore how to tell the difference between:
What’s normal and expected
What’s worth watching
What may need real support.
✨ One way to start this exploration and make sense of it all is to step back and ask: What phase of our journey are we in? The post on "The Expat Lifecycle for Couples" can help you map out what pressures might be showing up right now — and what’s likely to come next.
Photo by RDNE Stock project | Pexels
The Normal Turbulence of Global Mobility
These are the bumps most couples face — especially during or after a major move. They don’t mean anything is wrong with your relationship. They’re signs that you’re under pressure, not signs that you’re falling apart.
Examples:
One or both of you are more irritable, overwhelmed, or tired than usual
You argue more about practical stuff — finances, plans, household routines.
You need more time alone to decompress or recharge.
You feel emotionally flat or distant for a little while after the move.
👉 These responses are common. And most of the time, they pass when you settle in, talk things through, or simply get more rest.
✨ You might find it helpful to read more about some of the most common (but rarely talked about) challenges expat couples face in this post.
💡 No action needed — except patience and keeping an eye on making time for each other to reconnect beyond the to-do-list-talks.
Photo by Alex Green | Pexels
✨ Many couples don’t notice how far apart they’ve grown until the logistics are settled and the silence gets louder. This post explores what happens to love after the move dust settles — and why emotional distance often creeps in when things seem “fine.”
The Grey Zone (Yellow Flags)
This is the space in between — not obviously “bad,” but not quite right either. Here, couples often keep going on autopilot, hoping time will smooth things over. This is where many couples get stuck — for months, or even years.
These are the early warning signs that your connection might need attention and it’s a sign to ask deeper questions:
You feel more like roommates than partners. You’re managing life, but the closeness has faded.
One of you is thriving while the other is quietly struggling. Maybe one partner has found purpose, social life, or routine — and the other feels left behind.
You keep circling back to the same arguments. It’s not the surface issue — it’s the stuck feeling beneath it.
Conversations are mostly logistical. Talk is about school forms, groceries, next flights — but not about feelings, dreams, or real connection.
You avoid certain topics to keep the peace. Especially around money, in-laws, parenting styles, or “how we’re really doing.”
You’re carrying unspoken thoughts. Worries about the move, resentment, doubts — but you’re scared to bring them up.
👉 Rule of Thumb is this:
Imagine going on vacation together next week.
Does that feel like a lovely reset, and you already have a lot of ideas what you’d do with your partner — or like one more thing to survive, and the thought of it gives you slight stress?
If you lean towards Exciting? - You're probably in a good place.
Draining or tense? - Something might need your attention.
🤔 Reflection Check-In:
Can you remember the last time you felt genuinely happy to be around this person?
If that moment feels farther than 6 months ago — that’s worth talking about.
⚠️ WHAT TO DO
This is the space where change is most possible — and often the least scary.
Use this stage as an invitation, not an alarm.
Don’t assume silence means satisfaction. Sometimes it just means stuck.
Talk about how you're both really doing — not just how the move is going.
One honest conversation can shift a pattern — especially if it’s not too late to be gentle.
Consider getting support before things feel urgent: If you feel unsure what’s really going on, consider one session with a professional. Think of it like a relationship “checkup” — not a crisis call.
When It's More Than a Phase (Red Flags)
This is when disconnection has stopped being circumstantial and has become part of the relationship structure. If you are noticing these in your current togetherness, it is a moment to stop and get real about what you both need.
These are the signs that something deeper is at risk:
One or both of you have emotionally checked out. You feel indifferent, numb, or like you’re just co-existing. There’s no emotional spark or curiosity.
Disrespect or shutdown is common. This might look like sarcasm, eye-rolling, or completely withdrawing when something feels hard or confrontational (also called stonewalling).
Big decisions are made solo. One person decides over business trips, big purchases, jobs, moves — the other gets informed, not involved.
There’s a power imbalance. Maybe one partner holds the visa, the money or access to it, or language skills — and the other struggles with being dependent or voiceless.
Separation is a secret thought. You’ve imagined leaving, or talked about it, but it feels unsafe or too complicated to really explore.
There’s no future talk. You’ve stopped dreaming or planning together. Everything is short-term — or handled separately.
🤔 Reflection Check-In:
Can you remember the last time your partner felt like a source of comfort, connection, or joy? If not — that’s a sign something needs repair.
👉 Rule of Thumb is this:
If you think about working on your relationship starting tomorrow, how does that feel?
Does that make you feel hopeful, exhausted, or cynical?
If the thought drains you — or you feel exhaustion, bitterness or like there’s no point — that’s a sign you’ve hit an emotional wall.
And you don’t have to wait for a total breakdown to get help.
⚠️ WHAT TO DO
You don’t need to hit rock bottom to get support. That’s often too late.
Couples therapy or relationship coaching can create a safe space to unpack what’s really going on — Look for culturally sensitive couples therapists or expat-informed coaches.
Even a single conversation with someone trained can shift the direction.
Naming pain is not blaming. It’s the first step toward change.
Foto: Annie Spratt | Unsplash
Trust Your Gut Feeling
After all the checklists, conversations, and questions — what really matters is how it all feels on the inside.
At the end of the day,
1️⃣ Not every hard season is a crisis. Not every rough patch needs intervention.
2️⃣ But not every difficult dynamic is temporary — some patterns stick around unless you actively address them.
3️⃣ And: Most red flags don’t heal with time.
Sometimes the line is thin.
And sometimes, the most important thing is simply giving yourself permission to name what doesn’t feel right.
If something in you is quietly whispering that you miss each other — or that you’re carrying more than you can hold — that’s a good enough reason to pause and take a closer look.
Also, if you read through this and thought, “Maybe we should talk to someone,” the best day to start working on your relationship is today.
One session can offer clarity and momentum — or at the very least, perspective. Your relationship doesn’t need to be in pieces to deserve care.
Take the First Step Today — with My Free "Couples Health Check-up"
You have read all this and still... you're not sure where you stand — or how to start the conversation?
With my FREE Couples Health Check-up questionnaire, you can get clarity in just a few minutes.
Grounded in research on lasting relationships, this 20-question printable PDF helps you spot patterns, strengths, and areas of tension — so you can start making intentional changes, together or on your own.
✅ Receive the printable PDF straight to your inbox
✅ Complete it individually or as a couple
✅ Get instant insights through a deep-dive video and written explanation
🔗 Take the Health Check-up Here
Because tangible insights can lead to meaningful shifts — and the first step is often the hardest one to take.
Let me know what you think in the comments!
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